I get really angry with God. I tend to believe if I will only do things “right” He will make my life perfect. Growing up in the church taught me to be legalistic. You should spend time with God every day and read your Bible and pray. If you do all these things you will be happy and have a wonderful life. So not true! God does not tell us this in the Bible!
I know I want to crave spending time with God and in His word. I want to have His peace and joy. But I don’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t know Him. It means there are barriers from my time being abused which need to be broken down before I can fully understand God’s love and grace.
I believe God will do that in His time. I get impatient. I feel I should know Him more than I do right now and He’s judging me for that and that more bad things will happen because whether I was good or bad growing up bad things happened. So, logically thinking it seems more bad will continue to happen throughout the rest of life.
I know God says, “In this world we will have trouble,” We have no promise life will be without it. I also know deep down He will be with us. I just don’t comprehend it yet. My brain is still caught in the trauma.
I also know Jesus taught us how to pray. In Matthew chapter 6 Jesus teaches us about prayer. Informing us that God knows what we need before we even ask. He’s just waiting for us to ask.
I was listening to a sermon today. I haven’t actually gone to church except maybe three times this past year. So Facebook Live comes in quite handy. The pastor talked about Jesus’ teachings on prayer and then he challenged us with our own prayers.
I was challenged and convicted. How often do I ask God to move mountains in my life?
I tend to recite the same small prayers over and over. What would happen if I start asking God for more than just getting through this moment?
To heal everyone involved in this brokenness? That my abusers will confess, apologize, and repent? To continue to work my heart toward forgiveness toward them? To have my life restored beyond what I can even imagine? There are so many mountains I haven’t prayed for until this morning.
If we can believe Facebook posts and news articles and forward them as true – why can we not trust our God who created all we are and see? I know, it is hard. Because He did not stop what happened. It is confusing. But He didn’t leave us then because we survived, and He’s not leaving us now.
So, today I asked God to move some mountains in my life. It’s a first step. I know I’ll have to take in again, but it’s an opening to a deeper relationship with God whom I desperately want to fall in love with. He brought us this far. Will you ask Him to move mountains in your life?
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
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