A Thousand Sleepless Nights

I would never have guessed sleepless nights is one thing God would use to draw me close to Him. There have been so many over the past ten years since the memories returned. Yet it wasn’t until recently, while re-reading Laura Story’s book, When God Doesn’t Fix It, did the words of her song “Blessings” truly hit home.

“Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise”

By Laura Story – Full song: Blessings

I was already very aware my healing was coming through tears. Many of them. I have even begun to see some of the blessings from God through this incredibly difficult journey. But the sleepless nights where my eyes won’t close even though I’m exhausted?

When I’m counting one one thousand, two one thousand…As my thoughts are racing and worry overtakes me. Living through more flashbacks and memories. While my heart breaks from the losses and heartache. The emotions I am unable to even put into words. What could come from those sleepless nights?

They have been long, painful, and too many to count. This past year I’ve added sickness with the withdrawal from Klonopin. The severe burning in my stomach and the need to throw up – especially if I try to lay down. So I am sitting up in bed even more wide awake. Until I read what Laura said in her book it never dawned on me how God was using these times.

I would pray during these nights. Usually desperate prayers for sleep. “Please get me through.” “Help me.”

Then I read her book and what she said about all the sleepless nights she had and if that’s what it takes for God to drawer her nearer to Him then so be it. That stopped me in my tracks. Having sleepless nights is one thing. Saying, “Okay God, bring them on.” That’s another thing.

I’m still not to that point, and I don’t know if I will be, but last night, and the past few sleepless nights I’ve realized something while lying there. God is with me. I am more aware He is with me in the quiet, dark of the night than most days. It’s not a feeling. It’s a knowing.

Last night as I was awakened at 3:30 am in pain from pelvic floor dysfunction – which can be a result of trauma to the pelvic region – from sexual assault. Last night is was horrible muscle spasms that would not go away. My first reaction was “God why this on top of everything else? I already feel like crap from the medication withdrawal. My emotions are spent. I can’t take anymore.”

God can handle my complaining, but I realized I didn’t want to keep complaining. It wouldn’t solve anything. So I was remembering the song “Blessings” and “What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know you’re near?” Then my prayers changed to “Thank you for being with me. I cannot get through this without you.” To just being there with God even in the pain.

Thankfully the pain finally subsided after a few hours and I dozed off to get a little sleep before getting up, but I am still tired today. However, in my tiredness there is a peace and a knowing that the God of the universe was with me last night. Is still with me now. That He longs so much for me to be closer to Him He is using every available opportunity to draw me nearer to Him.

Though I don’t know if I’m ready to ask for sleepless nights (and pain) I will cherish (maybe not right away) the ones like last night. Then, when another one occurs, which it will, I know God will use it to drawer me even nearer to Him.

He’s doing the same with you. Where in your life is God reaching out to you? Hold on and cherish it. The good and the hard together. And the next sleepless night you have…ask God if He is drawing you nearer to Him.

© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.