I have been crying off and on for the past 16 hours. That hard, gut wrenching crying.
Questioning God. Feeling abandoned. I’m worrying about “tomorrow” and it’s taken me to a deep, dark valley.
It all started so simply. I asked my therapist for the address to his blog. He hasn’t written much yet, because he needs more time to write. He made the off- hand comment something like, “I know I need to write more, but there will be a lot a people not happy with that.”
At the time I didn’t think much of it. Then last night I realized I would probably be one of the people not happy about it. He has mentioned before cutting back his hours to do writing. I barely make it through each week and my progress is so slow as it is with two 45 minute sessions.
My first worry: He’s going to cut out one of my sessions.
My second worry: I won’t make it if that happens. It takes half a session to get through the 3 or 4 days since the last session leaving hardly any time for recovery work.
I got more upset the more I worried about it. I tossed and turned all night, cried as soon as I got up, I just knew this was the beginning of the end. What is the point of continuing?
I was beginning to see God as more loving than a judge, but this feels like a sentence to me. My whole life has been like this. Everyone else gets off and gets rewarded or gets the good things and I get the short end of the stick.
God just keeps punishing me. I know nothing has happened yet, but it feels like it so I might as well accept it. My family should have stayed by me, yet they abandoned me.
My friends said they would always be there for me, yet they are all gone. My psychiatrist was supposed to be there for me, but he failed too. Why did I expect my therapist to be any different? Why did I trust him? Why was I beginning to trust God?
All of this stemmed from one comment. Nothing has happened yet. No decisions have been made. I still have an appointment for tomorrow and two next week. I am borrowing trouble. Worrying about tomorrow.
It is my well known friend making an appearance again. You probably know him too: anxiety. Can you see the irrational thoughts spinning out of control? That is anxiety. It helps to come back after the fact and label what you’ve felt for what it is.
So after many cries out to God, tears, and writing to get out what’s really going on, I ended up here. Sharing with you, fellow survivors, my experience you might possibly relate to and what God showed me about it today.
In an old prayer journal I found a not very eloquent, but honest prayer, and along with it comforting words from Jesus. Reminding me, God is still God despite my anxiety.
October 26, 2017
This world has me very troubled. You see me and my mind and heart. I’m so anxious and I long to let you have it all. I hate how I feel and I cannot control things like I think. Only you can. Allow me to give you everything. Please help me give you all my burdens and anxiety. You are the only one who truly can control it all.
Why do I struggle to trust you? Because humans have let me down, but you are God. Help me see that. You can do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. Help me realize this and trust you in this. I am scared. You are God. I shouldn’t be. Yet I fear the worst always because it has happened. Help me understand and to trust to grow in you.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
Post Script: At my next session my therapist confirmed he would not cut existing client hours. See, worry for nothing.
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