I’ve been going to a recovery program called ReGen at my church. At first, I wasn’t even sure I was going to do it because I’ve been in recovery long enough and I’ve worked through a lot already. I wasn’t sure it would be helpful. I felt like God really wanted me to start it, so I followed through in obedience.
I’m going to continue through it because there’s always ways we can heal and get better and I want to see what God has for me. Last night I realized something that I don’t think I would have been ready to realize even a couple years ago.
That would be, that there were years upon years where I yelled at God and blamed Him for all that happened to me, and I was angry at Him for where I was in life and the fact He didn’t stop anything.
I had not come to the understanding yet that God allows everyone free will -which means that we are going to be affected by others sins along with the sins that we commit. I had not considered before that I need to confess the sin of my anger toward God and my blame I placed on God during those years.
I do truly believe that God understands why I was angry and blaming Him, as I was having a hard time understanding all the trauma that I endured. However, that doesn’t make my sin OK. I know it’s not popular in today’s world to talk about sin, but each of us sins every day.
That’s why God sent Jesus to cover our sins. It doesn’t mean we should intentionally sin, but we are fallen human beings which is why we need a perfect God. None of us are perfect or have life figured out as this is a journey for all of us. As it talks about in the Bible, we are to work out our salvation.
This does not mean that our works earn our way into heaven or earn our salvation. Salvation is a free gift of God -it’s His grace. Working out our salvation means we are becoming more like Jesus by allowing God to heal and work in our lives.
This includes confessing our sins and trusting God will forgive them. Because when we admit that we have sinned and ask for God’s forgiveness, if we know Jesus, our sin is covered by the blood He shed. Praise God! Last night as we were singing a hymn of worship, we sang “How marvelous how wonderful is my Savior’s love for me.” As we sang, I realized even more the depth of God’s love for me and sending Jesus to die a horrific death to cover all my sins. It covers all of yours too.
But what I wasn’t ready to recognize before now is that in my recovery from trauma, I did continue to sin by not fully trusting on God to lead and guide me. By turning my anger at Him and blaming Him. I need to confess this and allow God to forgive me for this even though I believe He understands why I did it. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t a sin and that it was OK.
I took my anger out on so many humans during those years, but God got the brunt of it. I was not accepting His full provision for my life and not trusting Him to guide. I was so engulfed in my misery that I was not allowing Him to show me the light.
So, I have asked for His forgiveness of all the years I blamed Him and was angry at Him. I’ve also been reaching out to people who I let my anger out on during those years, and asking them to forgive me for not being the friend they may have needed.
This is a continual process as God continues to bring to me how my choices were sinful and to put away the excuse of allowing it to be OK just because of what I endured. Nothing makes sin OK, but I am so grateful that I serve a God who is perfect and loves me despite how I screw up.
I encourage you to seek God and pray and ask Him what you need to confess and what sin you need His forgiveness from so that He can continue to lead you on this journey of healing. Remember, He wants you to be holy and whole.
I am asking for forgiveness for not pursuing my relationship with You before life fell apart so that I had a firm foundation that was not sinking sand. Forgiveness for building my house out of sticks and on the sand instead of on Your firm foundation.
For being so engulfed in misery I couldn’t trust that You were there because I hadn’t built my foundation upon You. Forgiveness for my choices in this journey that possibly extended it and made it longer by not trusting in You and having that foundation.
But God I know you are a God of grace and mercy and redemption. You have now written down my name in Your lamb’s book of life so you will pass over the judgments for my sins when I stand before You.
Thank you for sending Jesus so that this is my hope because this world is not my home. I long for the day where I can spend all eternity with You in a place far beyond what I can imagine.
In Jesus Name,
© 2022 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.