Have you ever had something in which you had a hard time letting go? Maybe a family heirloom, or something special that you want to hold onto but don’t really need?

Recently, I decided it was time to sell my flute. This is not just any flute. It is a good quality, advanced instrument, all sterling silver, gold lip plate, and it saw me through many, many years. Some years that were hard and lonely.

You see, when I was in 3^rd grade, I watched some high school girls play Stars and Stripes on the piccolo and I said, “I am going to do that one day.” In fifth grade I started learning to play the flute. By the end of sixth grade when we auditioned for Jr. High Band the Jr. High Band director placed me in the 8^th grade band as a 7^th grader.

What I didn’t realize then was that started me on a journey of trying to be accepted, loved, and known based on how well I played. I got noticed when I played well, and honestly, I was good. Like seriously good. (Yes, go ahead and say it – that sounds conceited Susan because it was and is.) My head got big fast with my playing and I liked being good. It felt good.

What I didn’t fully recognize was the gift God gave me. I had a natural, beautiful tone that just happened. I didn’t have to work too hard at it like others. Playing came naturally to me, and I took that for granted. Into High School I worked my way up in band again getting as high as I could for my age and going to district and state band auditions.

I remember the first time I went to one of those auditions and heard some of the seniors practicing in the stairwell. (Awesome acoustics in the stairwells and bathrooms.) I thought wow they’re so good, and it hit me. I’m not the best at this like I thought I was.

It should have been a humbling moment, and to an extent it was, but what I did was pushed and worked harder. I practiced sometimes hours a night and took private lessons. I busted my butt and every time I played a solo, got a 1 at contest or made district and state band, (and yes I finally played Stars and Stripes) I felt validated, accepted, and noticed. Especially by my family. When I didn’t get those things I felt shame, rejected, and miserable. I didn’t realize I was working for everyone’s, including my families acceptance, but I was….and that would one day crash all around me.

Fast forward to me as an adult teaching private flute lessons for extra money, teaching elementary school during the day, and playing in the local symphony every Monday night.

Then, when my health started getting bad – both my physical and mental health – and I lost my job, got diagnosed with CPTSD, and my anxiety was so bad I could hardly function…my fingers stopped cooperating. Suddenly, I’d try to play flute or piccolo and my fingers couldn’t keep up, my tongue wouldn’t double tongue fast enough, and my tone began to faulter. My beautiful, always gorgeous tone.

I hired my former private flute teacher for a summer to try to help me get ready for auditions for the symphony the next fall. I bombed my audition. I mean it was bad. Worst one I’d every had in all my life. But I’d tried hard and done my best…..and I ended up not playing with the symphony again after a couple more concerts.

I just couldn’t play and I didn’t know why. Then, a few years later I discovered why. God convicted me that I had taken this gift He had given me and took it for granted. I wasn’t using it for Him, and I was using it for personal acceptance, when God wanted me to feel secure only in Him. Not in my ability. So, I believe, in His love and mercy, He took away my ability to play for now.

I held onto the flute for 14 more years until just recently I decided it was time to release it. Some other girl, especially in this economy, could enjoy a nicer flute without having to buy brand new. I got an offer and met up with what turned out to be the sweetest family. A dad, mom, daughter, and brother. The daughter has been playing for a few years, but she is entering high school, and she needed a nice one for concert playing.

They bought the flute from me, and we went on our way, but it felt like a huge chapter in my life closed. That flute calmed me when there was arguing at home, taught me discipline, perseverance, and hard work, took up every fall Friday night at football games, and winters with Jazz band for basketball, a trip to Chicago, tons of competitions, college, and it’s tied to more great memories than I can count, friendships, and good times.

(Including a time the Jr. High band traveled to elementary schools and I forgot my flute, not realizing it until we got to the first school. Not good for the person with the flute solo. Another director drove me back to get it and my entire band and director applauded for me as I came in and sat down. Or the time I played at high school contest and had my eyes closed and when I opened them I had turned completley around to face the wall while playing. Embarrasing then, but a great stories and memories now.)

However, it was time for that season to end. For me to let go of the physical representation of me trying to be accepted by what I do. I’ve been on a journey for years of being confident and secure in the fact I am God’s child and accepted by Him because of Jesus, and because God loves me, and for no other reason. Nothing I can do – not one single thing – will change how much He loves me.

Friends, it’s the same for you. Nothing can change the enormous love God has for you. The only catch is you must accept it by choosing to follow Jesus and live for Him. By accepting the free gift of Jesus dying for all of your mess ups (aka sins).

For a world that spends so much time trying to be known and accepted it’s amazing that it’s so simple. We complicate it, and Satan loves to confuse us and try to complicate it even more.

I had a hard time letting go of my flute because of all it represented, but God made it clear that season is over. Time for a new season. For me, and for the girl who was thrilled her dad bought her a new to her flute.

I asked God to forgive me years ago for taking for granted the gift He bestowed on me, but the ship had already sailed. My desire to play is gone for now.

I don’t believe I really had to get rid of the flute to let all the negative connections to it go, but for me it was the right move. It represented what I had already asked God to forgive from a hard season and me coming into acceptance of His great love for me.

My question for you is what is God asking you to release? Whether an actual object or a belief about yourself, a negative emotion or thought you keep replaying. Whatever it is, ask Him to show you and then listen. You never know, you following His lead may bless someone else without you realizing it.

I promise He will draw you closer to Him when you ask and that’s the goal of this life – all about Him and not about us.

Note: Cover Photo is AI generated from a picture of me I gave it but I wanted something that showed me handing off the flute.
However, I promise, all my writing is mine, ALWAYS.

P.S. – The site is back up and running on a new theme. I don’t have a lot of time to mess with it right now so there may be some tweaks needed here and there but hopefully it’s readable and able to be navigated. Feel free to email me if something is off or hard to read and I’ll work on it as I’m able!

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