Do you ever start to have good things happen, but you still feel sad and depressed? You think, “What is wrong with me?” I had that experience this week and wanted to share it with you.
I shared a testimony with my fellow volunteers that work at the food pantry with me. I shared all God has done in my life and how He used them to show me His love and grace. I shared because I felt like God wanted me to show all He has done in my life – may He get the glory.
I did not know how to take the responses I got though. Here are a few: – these came with hugs from many.
“We are blessed to have you here.”
“We love you.”
“You are a miracle.”
You are amazing.”
“You are brave.”
My response in my head?
I am? No, I’m not. I am not special in any way. What is not fully known is the response I got from others at the time when I tried to kill myself.
When my family arrived at the ER on Christmas Day I was yelled at:
“How can you ruin our family?! Why are you doing this to us?!”
The response from a minister at my current church at that time:
“Oh, Susan! How could you commit such a terrible sin!”
When you are down and don’t feel life is worth living these statements are not helpful and it showed me at the time that no one loved me. That I was not worth being here and I honestly wished I had died.
That is a big reason I had to cut off my former church and family as those toxic statements Satan was using to keep me down and out.
As I shared with my counselor this week all that had happened, I was crying. I was sad and depressed, but I didn’t understand why I was so sad when so many good things are happening.
He told me that it is the grief – the grief from not having those statements shared before and for not having that love given to me. Grief for the years missed due to all I was dealing with and the “normal” life things I didn’t get. Greif for this time of year….
And you know what? It’s okay to feel that sadness, grief, and be a little depressed. I don’t want to wallow in it or stay there, but you can only work through it all by allowing it. I then take it to God and ask that He walk with me through it – to feel it – to try to understand it and process- but then to move on from it.
Honestly, this Saturday morning I am still feeling it a little, but I wanted to let you know that sadness, grief, and depression are part of dealing with trauma. You lost things to the trauma, but you lost things after it because of dealing with it.
It is okay. You are not your feelings. You are loved and wanted, and you are seen by God. He made you and your feelings, and He wants to walk you through them. I pray you allow Him to do that because He will bless you.
Provide yourself grace this season my friends!
(Follow up post to this will be up tomorrow.)
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