Hello my friends. I found out today that my counselor has COVID. Hmmm, I saw him on Monday and last Thursday. I was supposed to be working at my church food pantry this afternoon and then next week we have our big Thanksgiving meal boxes to hand out. Now, I’m stuck at home. I am getting tested tomorrow, but won’t have the results for 2-5 days. I feel okay right now – physically.
It’s funny how things affect us emotionally right? Like as soon as I knew that I needed to not be around others until I know it’s safe (which I have other feelings about if that’s really needed, but I won’t get political – maybe herd immunity would be better than the way we’re living but?).
Anyway, when I realized I can’t help out as I have been, or even just leave and go to a store to get out of the house, have my therapy appointments, my birthday is coming up….it all got to me. I felt my depression take hold stronger than usual and I just wanted to scream! I felt the anger bubble up and then I told God what I thought about all of this. Not like He didn’t already know!
After a bit I realized that the anger wasn’t helping me and it would be better to just “accept what I cannot change” and move forward. As I did that I felt better and more content. Then, my new laptop arrived and I spent time getting it set up. (My other one was dying a slow death so I started saving last year and got a good black Friday deal because otherwise I can’t continue the work God has laid before me with writing.)
I have written about accepting what we cannot change before. What is know as the AA prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Can’t change the fact I was exposed, that the world feels that a physical illness is deadlier than emotional and mental, but I can keep on keeping on here and follow what God wants to teach me.
Like yesterday when I woke with high anxiety. I came downstairs and as I sat in my recliner having my time with God He nudged me to realize I hadn’t prayed over my bedroom or bed in a awhile or checked if I had made agreements with the enemy. So, I headed upstairs and prayed over my room and bed and bound Satan. I realized I had thoughts in my head that all began with “What if…” so I broke agreements that I had made that God can’t handle anything that comes my way.
My day went so much better after that and I truly felt God’s peace. I know it’s why I am not worried about getting sick with COVID. Do I want to get sick? No, but if I do I know God will see me through whatever comes as I have been through more dark times than I can count. Worrying is not going to change the outcome and can actually make me feel worse.
I am getting tested tomorrow and praying for a negative as well as no symptoms, so I can help out next week at the food pantry. However, if it doesn’t happen it will not be the end of the world and I have no fear because I know Jesus. I also know God will choose to take me home when my time here is up and then I will be dancing the streets of heaven. He already chose to spare my life more than once and I’m grateful for every minute He chooses to bless me with. The good, bad and ugly.
I will choose to enjoy each day, at home or elsewhere, and keep asking God what He wants from me. (Warning you may hear from me a little more if I am stuck here at home quite awhile!)
What is God saying to you right now? Do you need to break agreements with the enemy and the negativity he’s bringing down on our world? The worries and anxiety? I pray you are able to come before our gracious Father and lay out everything you feel and ask Him to release you to be open to what He has for you.
I pray you do not have to isolate or get sick, but can continue on your journey to healing from sexual trauma.
Take care my friends! I’m going to go cuddle with my sweet Mia! I think she’s the cutest and how can you not smile seeing this smushy face!
© 2020 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
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