If you are a trauma survivor, (which if you experienced sexual assault you are) then you have probably experienced having suicidal thoughts. It is nothing to be ashamed about.
It is common to have them after enduring significant trauma. However, it is in allowing those thoughts to lead us even darker places, and acting on them, that it becomes not what God intended.
I was listening to Mark Lowry (a Christian comedian) today, and he was discussing a way he introduces the topic of suicide to churches when he talks. As you might be aware, church’s rarely if ever talk about suicide.
At first, I honestly didn’t know what to think about his “joke” because I have not only experienced suicidal thoughts, but have tried to take my life four different times.
He was saying if you commit suicide and die before your time your mansion in heaven won’t be ready and you’ll be forced to live with your in-laws.
The point he was making is each of us has a time when God will say we are finished on earth and if we die before God ordains it there will be work He has called us to here that is left unfinished.
It made me stop and think today. I have been in the deep, dark place where life doesn’t seem worth living. Where it appears nothing will ever get better and the emotional and physical pain is too much to bear and the only option seems to be to end it all.
I empathize with you if you are there or have been there. It is one of the hardest places to be, yet I know now that if you ask God for strength to push through you will be blessed.
If I had succeeded in killing myself I would never have had the chance to write this blog. To share the pain and struggles we all endure as survivors. To allow God to use me to reach out and let you know you aren’t alone.
I thank God every time I remember trying to take my life, that despite my actions He chose to save me from myself and negative effects of trying to harm my body. It is in knowing God kept me here, despite the fact I had very close brushes with death, that leads me to know how much He does love me and wants good for this life.
So, on days like today (even though I wasn’t suicidal) when I wake up and remember the hard road I’m on. That I’m not where I thought I would be at 43. I pray for God to open my eyes to what He is doing. I truly believe He works all things together for His good, as stated in Romans 8.
If you’re in a dark place today or come to that place, ask God to show you the way out of the darkness into what He has for you. He has great plans for each one of us that exceeds what we dream or think should happen. Satan would love to get you out of the game of life before it is your time, because then you can’t lead anyone else to God.
That’s his goal and we can’t let him win. I read once that if Satan can’t take you out of the game he will try his hardest to keep you from reaching others. Don’t let him have that hold on your life.
Reach out to God and ask for his strength to endure the deep, dark, places that tear away at our lives. It is with His strength that we can endure the road to recovery and bring Him glory along the way – but only if we don’t give up the fight.
May you feel God’s strength and power today as you take more steps toward healing.
If you are suicidal please call someone for help. You can call the suicide prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or even chat (I linked it for you) with them online. Program it in your phone so it is there if you need it, or call 911.
© 2020 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
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