Trauma leaves so much in it’s wake. The side effects from it are felt whether we want to admit it or not. I spent the first couple years before my memories returned going to all kinds of doctors to find out what was “physically” wrong with me. The answer was nothing – technically.
Yes, my physical pain is real, as are the stomach aches, headaches, and GI problems. However, they all resulted from all the trauma I endured. On top of the physical comes the mental. Often times it’s easier to focus on the physical than the mental – especially the way society acts about mental issues.
However, PTSD, anxiety, and depression are quite real. They at times hurt more than what we feel physically. Lately, my depression has been a lot worse than it had been. The holidays didn’t help either. (I’m writing this in January.)
I feel exhausted, don’t really care about getting up, I want to eat bad things that taste good and make me feel better even when I’m not hungry. I have thoughts about how horrible this life is, and that I don’t want to live any longer in it. I don’t want to do any more work in recovery because it’s draining and hard.
So, last night, as I would drift off to horrible dreams and wake up more times than I could count, wishing this would all end…I cried out, “Help me Jesus.”
That is basically the only prayer I’ve been praying lately. I feel too down to care about trying to pray anything else. That’s when I wonder what God thinks of me not wanting to spend time in communication with Him. Not wanting to read the Bible, learn how to be more like Jesus. I just don’t care about anything.
Then, I realized that it’s okay I don’t feel like praying or reading the Bible. I am depressed. When you are severely depressed you don’t really care about anything.
So, I began to realize if I am now understanding what’s going on, then God, who knows everything, must understand as well. I truly don’t believe He’s holding it against me about how I feel right now. He understands better than I do.
So, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and praying the one simple prayer that I can at the moment, “Help me Jesus.” I truly believe He will help all of us and that we won’t feel like this forever. That is the hope I hold onto today. I hope you can hold onto it too.
© 2020 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
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