Tuesday I will post a more encouraging Christmas post, but today I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t share what right now is really like for me. My heart hurts more than I ever dreamed was possible.
Over the past month there has been my birthday, Thanksgiving and now Christmas. Not only does it bring memories of what my abusers did on those days, but there is no one to recognize the days with now. No one cared enough to get me even a little gift for my birthday. One person from the food pantry I work at thought of me for Christmas by sharing treats, and that made me feel like someone cared.
It may seem selfish, but it hurts when there’s no one to care even for the little things. Before I have spent Christmas serving others with a Christmas dinner, but the memories it brings up being at my old church and the people I was around were too much to take. As lonely as it is by myself it is still better than being triggered by places and people.
However, it leaves me completely alone and the days seem to go on forever. I spend a lot of time sleeping so I don’t have to face the days. No one ever calls and I don’t even get texts. I have reached out to a few people and my texts have gone unanswered. It’s like I don’t exist.
I know it sounds like I’m having a pity party and I am partially, but I also feel like there are more people like me out there right now so I’m sharing the honest truth. You are all alone. You won’t see anyone for days on end or even talk to people. Probably not even texts.
As I was contemplating my options today the first thing Satan brought to my mind is it would be better to die. However, I know that isn’t the option. Plus, going down that road has already taken me to painful places. I tried 4 different times and it didn’t work. I only landed in the hospital where no one helped me either. Doing anything to myself could land me with more consequences and pain. It’s not worth it. (and I’m not going to so don’t worry.)
I’ve attempted to pray, but I don’t feel like God wants to hear from me right now. I don’t want to hear myself anymore. So, that leaves a very lonely, desolate place. I hear my mom telling me I ruined her family even though it was the men in the family who did, and I’m just trying to get over the trauma.
So, even though I feel God may not want to hear me right now, there is a part that knows He’s listening. I think of the one person who’s been showing me Jesus and imagine Jesus showing me the same compassion he does when I talk. Though Jesus is more compassionate than I can begin to imagine.
That’s where I hold onto the hope that God will get me through this incredibly painful time that has resulted because of the trauma I endured. That He’ll provide me with the hope that I am not alone because He’s with me. It reminds me of a song by Casting Crowns I heard again recently. “Just Be Held”. (Listen to it.)
I hope as you face another painful time during the holidays this song will remind you what it did me. That God is holding us even when we don’t feel like He is. I do still have the belief God is going to get all of us through this even when I can’t see His light for the darkness. Hang on tight and let God hold you and I will be doing the same thing as I pray God uses my pain to encourage you to look to Him.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
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