“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I try to not write about suicide too much, but I can’t not write about it and honestly speak on recovery. It is a real, and often not talked about situation we find ourselves in. Here’s my last post on it: Being Honest About Suicidal Thoughts
This week I went off a little more of my anxiety medication. I have ¼ mg to go to be totally off of it. Thank you Jesus! After almost 12 years on it and up to 4 mg I will be off and better able to process trauma. However, a serious side effect of going on or off psychiatric medications is suicidal thinking. This week it hit me again- hard. The hopelessness, “Why bother?”, and “There’s no reason to go on.” statements all rolled around in my mind.
My mind that has all kind of crazy, irrational, thoughts from heightened anxiety. Add to it when I attempt to sleep, if I do, I have crazy, irrational, dreams. There’s no escape awake or asleep. Except to die. It sounded like the best option. No more tears or pain. No more anything.
Except then I thought about you. What would you all think if you found out I ended my life? God called me to write to encourage. Is that what I want the end of my life statement to be? No. I also realize if I end my life God receives no glory for getting me through because I would have stopped life too soon.
But I’d lost so much energy that I didn’t care whether I went on or not. I was pushing through the days and attended a new Bible study on Wednesday morning. The leaders said they prayed for each of us to be there. Really? We weren’t there by accident? Someone cared enough to pray for me? Wow. That encouraged me.
That afternoon I worked at the church’s food pantry. As I was helping a lady she turned to me and said, “Can I have a hug?”
I said, “Yes you can!” She gave me the best hug ever! We hugged each other tight and held on. It was if we both needed a lifeline at the moment. God knew I needed human touch. I cannot remember the last time I had a hug it’s been so long. I told her anytime she wants one she can have one because I can use it just as much, if not more, than she can.
When I made it to my therapy appointment on Thursday my therapist asked, “Do you have plans?” Plans -he meant to end my life.
“No, no plans.” I said.
We continued our appointment where I was all over the place, just like my mind. This is also the week of the anniversary of my grandpa’s death. The man I was able to trust and who loved me unconditionally. Unlike others.
Add to it several medical problems outside of my recovery and I’m overwhelmed. Yet, when God brought to mind this verse in 2 Corinthians about God having compassion for us so we can have compassion for others so much rang true.
God can use everything we go through to encourage and show compassion to someone else who will experience the same thing. Like sexual assault. The reason I write this.
Also, like the lady that came through the food pantry with her portable oxygen tank along with her frustration with having to carry it and the inability to breathe well. I empathized with her.
After my pulmonary embolism, for no reason the doctors could ever figure out, my oxygen level wouldn’t return to normal and I was on oxygen for over a month. Maybe so I can have compassion for those who will also experience something similar.
Today I was still feeling suicidal. I journaled and I called my nutritionist. I knew my therapist was out of town. My nutritionist is helping me navigate some medical issues and I left a basically, “I’m frustrated” message.
She called me back and just talked me through things. I needed that. We need that. We need to reach out. We need interaction.
No one needs to call anyone on me. I’m fine right now. It’s Friday and you’ll read this on Tuesday so I promise you I’ve decided not to act. God wants me here. I’m just being completely honest so you know the truth of what we face, but I’m also telling you I reached out. Which is what you need to do if you feel suicidal.
No matter what’s causing it. It can be a definite reality in recovery and don’t feel ashamed about it, but don’t act on feelings. Satan wants us to end our life so God can no longer use us. We just cannot give into the feelings when they come. We have to stop like I did today.
God has each and every one of us here for a reason. I pray for each of you as I write and that you will be encouraged and that God will do amazing things in your lives. For Him to heal you. You could be the encouragement and compassion (or hug) someone else needs. Don’t forget that and don’t forget you are never alone. If you want me to pray for you specifically and by name send me a note through my “contact me” form. I’m the only one who’ll see it.
Please use one of the following if you are feeling suicidal.
National Suicide Phone Line:1-800-273-8255
Or call 911
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
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