My usual writing time is right after lunch. The morning cobwebs are gone and my mind is usually the most clear. However, today I found myself struggling to do everything. From making it to the gym, through the workout, home to start cooking. Before I ate lunch I sat down and before I knew it I was crying. Then after lunch I stared at a blank computer screen. I wrote three sentences and started crying again.
Thinking I needed to get out of the house I texted someone about meeting me for a walk. She couldn’t leave her shop so she asked me to come help her. I did, then came home and cried some more. I’m lonely.
This journey is lonely. I reached out to her today. She never reaches out to me. She told me she’s not good at it and I get that. However, we need people who will reach out to us. So we can feel loved and cared about. People just don’t understand the journey of a trauma survivor and it’s hard to walk with us.
After crying more and writing in my journal I thought about this 84 year old woman I know whose husband is dying. I had just talked to her on the phone and she was all chatty and upbeat. Telling me all kind of things that were going on. Then how she was grateful for all the years she had with her husband, how God had taken care of them, and the peace she has knowing He knows Jesus. She was at peace about losing someone she’s spent over 60 years with.
Peace God really? I thought. I never seem to feel at peace. Anxious yes, I’m very familiar with that feeling. I feel anxious right now writing this. It permeates my life. Maybe it does yours too. Maybe it’s another emotion or something else. We long for peace.
“Just trust God and you’ll have peace.” People say to me. But they don’t understand how hard it is for us to trust or the trauma that high jacks our emotions do they?
Not long after I finished my last crying spell and journal entry I got up to fix dinner. Walking into the kitchen I noticed something. I felt calm. I felt at peace. The only place I know it came from was from God. There are too many other factors playing into my life for me to feel peace. It was God. For a brief moment He shared with me peace.
It was like He was saying, “This My child is My peace. I am here with you.” Just because our body and mind betray us with anxiety and depression from our trauma right now does not mean God will not bring us His peace. One day, maybe not until heaven, but One day we will experience it fully. Completely. Forever.
Ask Him for a glimpse of that today. He can show you. He longs for us to be at peace with Him. To be healed and complete.
Show me a glimpse of Your peace. It gets overwhelming feeling so anxious and depressed (add your own feeling) all the time. Heal my body and mind and use it for Your glory. I long for the day I am completely at peace with You.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
The brief moment of peace today brought to mind an old song I used to listen to by Sandi Patty. I pray you find it comforting. I’ll Give You Peace
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