I don’t really want to write, but I’m going to try. God always seems to say things through me when I’m at my weakest.
Today I not only feel abandoned but invisible. Ever feel that way? No one notices me. No one pays attention. Monday working at the food pantry no one noticed. Yesterday at crafter’s group no one did either. Do they not care? Or is it true what is going on in my head? That I am as ugly as I was told growing up and my new glasses make me even more so?
No one helped me pick them out because there is no one to do that and I have no one to tell me honestly how they look. Add to that the abandonment I feel by absolutely everyone in my life, including my therapist and I feel so alone today I have been in tears.
This journey is hard enough without support. Feeling all alone, abandoned, and invisible makes me wonder why am I even fighting if no one cares. No one cares to even compliment a simple thing like my glasses so why am I fighting for my life to get better?
I am aware God says it’s on the inside that counts, but everyone likes a compliment. To be noticed. To be hugged, held, loved, treated like we are special. To know someone cares. It is hard to find those people to care about you when you’re a trauma survivor.
You may be at the point like me in recovery where it’s hard for you to be a good friend to others because you are triggered easily, especially by other survivors. I would love to support certain people right now, but I just can’t. I am not emotionally able to. It just is what it is. One day it will be better as I heal, but right now it’s not possible.
So when I wonder why no one cares I am aware there are possibly people out there who simply can’t be my friend right now because they emotionally aren’t able. It’s possible the same is true for you.
So as I write all of this out today, I let you all read my innermost thoughts, so you won’t feel all alone and know someone does care about you.
While I have been writing, God reminded me none of us are alone. He is with each of us today. He is holding onto us tighter than any human being will ever be able to. His love is stronger and the most unconditional love we will ever experience. He cares for us and if we get better.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
He has plans for us beyond what we could ever imagine. We just have to remember we are not alone on this journey. Even on the darkest days. God is with us and will never leave us no matter how we feel. Feelings are not truth. We must remember that.
The truth is stated clearly by God in His word:
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
So when we can’t trust what we’re feeling we must trust what God has told us. Let’s remember God’s truth today. We are never ever alone.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.