Yes, I wrote this over the past weekend. No I’m no longer suicidal and no one needs to call the police or anyone else on me. I just want you to know the struggle we all face.
Today is only the third day in the past nine days I have not been suicidal and I hope and pray today stays that way. Suicidal thoughts are not something I have written about yet. (Only my experiences attempting suicide) Yet, they are something I would guess you have experienced.
Maybe you have even attempted suicide like me. Five years ago I tried three different times to kill myself. Though I haven’t attempted since then the thoughts still come into my mind. It’s not something I have control over. They just come.
Many people would like to believe we can control our thoughts of suicide and just stop them and this makes us feel guilty, but it’s not the case. Many things can cause them. Medication of various kinds, not just psychiatric medications can cause suicidal thoughts. Depression leads to them as does PSTD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
From the spiritual realm Satan would love to have us make an agreement with him to end our life before God wants us to. It’s his best way to interrupt God’s plan to work out good in our lives. So we must be on guard for this too, but just breaking an agreement with Satan that you don’t want to kill yourself doesn’t make the thoughts go away.
This is where I found myself lately. I have been severely depressed the past several months, more than usual, and it’s hard because I have no support system. No one besides my therapist encouraging me or to turn to. The Friday after Valentine’s Day the hopelessness of my life became so apparent that my eyes were almost swollen shut from crying.
The emotional pain I was feeling was indescribable and as I would cry out to God there was no comfort and no answer. The minutes seemed to go on forever and the fact I had absolutely no one to call left me even more hopeless because when no one cares about you it brings up the fact no one ever has because of the abuse.
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I would sleep, cry and I began to plan. Plan what I could do to end the pain. Nothing I had tried before worked so what could I do now to effectively end my life where no one would find me in time to save me? Very dark moments.
Only by the grace of God did I make it to my therapy appointment Monday morning where I was still in tears and I cried my way through my appointment. My therapist reminding me I could have called him and of his support.
He asked me a very pointed question. “Are you still in this?” That is in incredibly hard question to answer when you would rather be in heaven. When you have no energy left to fight and no one to fight with you. Through gut wrenching tears I said, “Yes, I’m still in this, but it’s so difficult when I only have support from you twice a week.”
He validated it and in his usual way reminded me that though I’d cried out to God and hadn’t heard or felt Him He was still there. Though in the hopelessness that is extremely hard to take in. I did leave Monday’s appointment a little lighter, but still distraught.
Not as suicidal, but not out of the woods yet, I was still crying my eyes out Tuesday night in between my cries out to God. For a very brief moment a peace settled over me. It didn’t last long but it was not something that came from me. It was a brief taste of hope.
Wednesday was a little better, but the thoughts were still there. Those thoughts get to us don’t they? It’s a battle. We just can’t give into them. Cannot act on them.
I had another appointment Thursday and made it all day without suicidal thoughts. I haven’t had any more since.
For now. I know I will have them again. It comes with recovery. This time around was the worst since five years ago and the hardest part is I’m still struggling with deep depression right now that is worse than usual.
I made it through only by the grace of God. I did not act on the impulse of my suicidal thoughts and do something about them right away as I would have done five years ago. I should have called my therapist and I will next time if he’s available. Because that hopelessness can send you into dark places.
If you find yourself suicidal please find someone to talk to. If you are really on the edge please call 911. If you can’t call your therapist or don’t have anyone else to call you can call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also “chat” with someone here: Lifeline I know it is hard to reach out because we wish someone cared enough to already be there for us and calling a stranger on a hotline feels hopeless buts it’s not.
I know what it’s like not to have anyone to call or care what you are going through. I also know the person needs to be someone who understands depression and suicide and that’s why I provided these numbers. I should not have waited until my appointment on Monday to talk to my therapist. Don’t risk that you will make it. Make the call.
My prayer for you is that God gives you the strength to get through each minute of each day. We are not alone even when we feel like it. He shows His strength and power through our weaknesses, but He can only do it if we are alive to let Him.
If you’re like me pray for God to send someone who is willing to support you on this journey. That’s been my prayer. Also remember, if you’re reading this others are on the same journey as you too.
You are not alone.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.