I have been crying a lot this afternoon. Some days this is just too much to handle. Before that I did what I have done a lot lately. I avoided dealing with any lasting emotions from therapy and turned on the TV.
Hiding away in TV or a book allows me to keep me from feeling anything that might come up. However, after a couple hours I knew I needed to try to do something else so I turned off the TV and tried to read my Bible.
This has been a chore lately. Reading the Bible does not come easily to me. Most of the time it seems boring and monotonous. Only a few times have I become engrossed in a story. Today, I picked up in Luke where I have been reading about Jesus’ life. No go. Two pages and I was done. Nothing stuck. I had no idea why until I closed my Bible.
That’s when the tears came. Floodgates opened. Grieving. The memories worked through today. The ramifications of being abused and raped. I am left without a family of any kind, I am alone.
I have a chronic bladder condition which makes me unable to eat most anything that has any taste. Each day still brings withdrawal symptoms from medication that was supposed to help me through this the past nine years, but only numbed me and is now causing me months of side effects of going off of it. And that’s all on top of the PTSD and depression.
I know I am not the only one living with the effects of what was done to me. We all have them. In 2 Corinthians Paul talks about a thorn in his flesh. I’m not saying God had us abused and raped, but the results leave us with conditions which can be considered “thorns”.
“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
I don’t know if I will ever be able to “boast gladly” about my weaknesses. Today I’m downright angry. Truly pissed off. “Why?” is a common question for me. I have a feeling Paul may have felt the same way because he pleaded – not asked – pleaded, with God three times to take it away.
So today I pray God can help me come to a point His grace is sufficient for me. That is what He brought to my mind this afternoon during my pity party. His grace is sufficient.
Coming to accept and understand that grace will need to come with time. That’s part of our recovery process. It doesn’t sound to me like Paul came to it overnight either. He pleaded three times for God to take it away.
I may not understand God’s love or grace quite yet, but I have learned He is quite patient to put up with me while I’m learning. I believe He’ll provide us the time we need to come to the realization His grace is sufficient for us and one day maybe we’ll know what it’s like to delight in weakness for His sake.
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.