I have a lot of anger. It seems like it will never go away. Lately I am irritable and easily annoyed. Anger for us is real.
I am still angry with God and others who have hurt me. This afternoon was spent just writing until five typed pages later, all of my thoughts, prayers, emotions, and feelings, were out. For today. Tears flowed as my fingers danced across the keyboard.
The stories which unfolded included broken dreams and anger at my abusers for doing such horrible things to me, my family for not supporting me, my psychiatrist for over medicating me, and these horrible withdrawal effects. Then came the anger toward God. Anger I thought was long gone. Except it’s not. It’s still there. Along with the questions. Why? He could have stopped it, anytime. Before it happened. Why so long? Why did He allow me to suppress it and not tell anyone until it destroyed my adult life too? So many more questions….
God can handle my anger. I am the one who struggles with it. The shame and the frustration to get past it. Why can’t I let it go? When will I move past it all? I’ve had enough and I’m all too aware it will take a lot more time and therapy and I’m tired of it. Tired of putting my life on hold.
I am well aware I am angry at the One who still walks with me through this horrible nightmare. Though I will be honest I question His love because how can He love me when I am such an angry person?
Satan relishes in knowing I don’t believe God loves me. He uses this to get me to make agreements with him that God’s love is conditional even though it’s not.
We must be careful in our anger to not make agreements with the enemy. He wants us to get off track in our recovery.
Perhaps you are like me and still coming to grips with what God’s love means. That will take time.
So, it’s okay to be angry with God, or our abusers, or life, but we must be careful not to let Satan use it to keep us off track of God healing us.
Like my therapist reminded me today – we can’t give up…that is what Satan wants – God wants us to heal.
So I continue on…and I pray you do to because one day we will be able to move past our anger, and forgive God and those who have hurt us. I’m not even close to being there yet. I don’t know when I will be, but even when we let the anger get the best of us God understands more than we do.
I have found it somewhat helpful to find a positive way to release my anger. For me, it is writing. Sometimes pounding on a pillow and screaming until I have no energy left. But honestly I don’t always release it in a positive way. Sometimes it just comes out. I don’t like it but it does.
Ideas to release anger:
Write down who you are angry at. Then tear up the piece of paper into as many pieces as you can.
Keep a list handy of ways you can release your anger in healthy ways.
A few examples are: pounding on a pillow, screaming (out loud if you’re alone) or into a pillow. If you like to exercise do a hard workout, write out your feelings, or allow yourself to cry. – or one that works well for me – pushing really hard against a closed door until all your energy is gone.
Another way to help with anger is to remember Life’s Blessings. During this Thanksgiving season check out my book: Chocolate and Rainbows: Remembering Life’s Blessings.
© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
Thanks for an important and honest post, Susan. I do the pillow thing, too, but my favorite is to beat a box with a baseball bat. I’ve destroyed several boxes, releasing anger.