Blessings

“We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise”

These lyrics, written by Laura Story, speak straight to my heart today, and most days the past 10 years. When I first heard this song, I did not know the story behind it. Written when her husband experienced a cancerous brain tumor which left him with severe memory problems, this song depicts Laura Story’s struggle that maybe blessings come from our hardest times.

Listen to the entire song here. Blessings.

Lately, my tears seem to be unending. Though this journey has gone on for exactly 10 years this month, I am grieving many losses and dreams.

My family, my job (Which to me being a teacher was all I ever wanted to be.), friends who have continued with their lives while mine has turned upside down, a future family of my own – children, husband, grandchildren, the list goes on.

Through my own tears the past three days I don’t know that there’s been healing yet, but more a realization. All of the things I had before I did on my own. I would say I was praying and I would.

I would go to church, sing the songs, read about God, but the God I came to know at 17 was left behind in my pursuit to be what I wanted. I know if I had asked, God would have met me there, except I didn’t.

He has taken absolutely horrid circumstances and it’s as if the seed that was planted years ago, is finally spouting every time I’m broken again. With each tear, sleepless night, and this storm He is growing me closer to Him. Closer in a way I didn’t believe was possible. To walk each day with a real, living God.

To have a conversation with Him, yell at Him, cry with Him, and though I’m not good at it yet, sit with Him. Without the trials I am enduring from my abuse I don’t believe I would know God as I do now. He has used it for good. (Romans 8:28) Though He despises what happened.

Though I had always dreamed of writing someday I would not have the time to be doing it right now if I was not in recovery. I also would not be writing about sexual abuse and assault. It has been my prayer for God to take my abuse and use it for His glory somehow, someway. This year He has opened doors for this to begin to happen. To reach others.

This week has without question been the hardest week for me in years. My emotions are raw, bare, and before I started writing this post I was wondering what exactly there was to praise God for. So I asked Him to show me.

His answer was Him. My closer relationship with Him. My Father. God.

This is no doubt the most important blessing, but there are others and they all have certainly come through raindrops. Healing is coming through many tears. Countless sleepless nights do draw me nearer to God, and I quite possibly believe today that the “trials of this life are my mercies in disguise.”

What are your blessings?  Discover some in my new book: Chocolate and Rainbows: Remembering Life’s Blessings.

© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.