Lonely

I was so mad at my therapist today for a stupid reason. He’s taking off Labor Day. He usually doesn’t take off those little holidays, but he wants to spend more time with his family. That set off all kinds of anger in me. Selfish anger. Why does he get to be with his family too? Everybody gets to be with their family – everyone but me.

I don’t even have friends to be with, and I’m tired of not feeling well, tired of not wanting to do anything or feeling like doing anything and my stomach hurting from this Klonopin withdrawal, my emotions all over the place.

I’ve already been thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas and my birthday. All alone – no little gifts from the heart for me. Nothing. What I wouldn’t give for someone to think of me and do something for me just because they love me. What is that like?

There’s my pity party.  Yes, quite a big one. But it’s also all true. I am so messed up I have no one in my life except the professionals helping me. I have scared everyone else away.

When I feel like this I usually try to do for someone else. Take my mind off of myself. However, my heart is hurting today more than ever. I have tried to be a friend to people and failed. I seem to be unable to be supportive. I try to do nice things for them, but they fall flat. I have tried to encourage and pray for them.

But I also fail because of my anger. Not at them, from all of my trauma. There is so much anger inside it is triggered without me even knowing it and it spills out onto people who don’t deserve it. I don’t realize it happens, sometimes at all, and if I do it’s too late. Damage has been done. I am a failure at relationships.

I was taught you fight, go your separate ways and then act like it didn’t happen. There was never any resolving problems. Love was money and things. Not time or hugs.

I know I feel like I’m the only one out there who feels like this, but knowing the statistics I cannot be. Though Facebook and social media throw happy memories of people in our faces, behind them are what really happens. I know all about the fake faces and happy pictures. It doesn’t tell the truth. You definitely can’t judge a book by its cover or a family by how they seem in one picture or at church. Life is messy.

Recovery is messy, hard and brutally honest. Though many have suffered, not all seek recovery. Like me at one time they push back what happened. Not wanting to interrupt life, deal with it, the messiness of it all, the hard truth, the loneliness it brings.

That loneliness is where I am today. I would love to reach out to those I have hurt, but the voice in my head says, “You are a bad friend.”

So, today I’m being honest with you, I don’t know the answer or what I’m going to do. I’ll pray about it, and see. This is one reason I felt led to write more than what I was-to let you in more on “real” life. Though I won’t always throw a pity party.

My face is red and blotchy from crying. I’m at a loss as to what to do. But I refuse to give up on this journey. I hope you won’t either. Know how you’re feeling is though very raw, normal. It’s okay to be angry, and we all have issues to work through. Hang in there.

© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.