Special Posting: Broken Before God

“My servants will sing out of the joy of their hearts, but you will cry out from anguish of heart and wail in brokenness of spirit.” Isaiah 85:14

I wrote this Monday night, but God led me to post what I had planned instead. Today this still fits and He says it’s time.

“I hurt God. I really, really, hurt.”  I am crying and begging God to take this from me. The memories have been flooding back to me recently over the past few weeks so fast and so many I don’t know what to do.

“Take me home tonight God. Please.” I cry. Heaven sounds wonderful right now. I’ve made a pact with my therapist no more suicide attempts…ever. So, I am not suicidal, but I long for Home.

My heart is in pieces. I am so broken right now. No one but my therapist knows what has been going on with me these past few weeks. I have kept silent about my memories.

Tonight my heart hurts. I am sad, depressed, and burdened. I am using my skills I have been taught in therapy and I am clinging to God who seems far away, yet I know He is supposed to be right here with me.

There are times during our recovery we simply cannot rely on others. We need to realize God can hold our burdens. I’m trying so hard tonight to understand this.

I don’t usually write my blog the night before, but God in my distress, led me to the computer. He is here with me. Calming me. Guiding me.

I know I am not the only one who has been having sleepless nights, anxiety, seemingly unanswered prayers.

Any survivor, if you are reading this yes, you are a survivor, not a victim, is likely going through the same thing. Other people have their own losses and hurts.

Our world is a broken one. We all need healing in some form or another. Some of us just need a lot more than others, and it takes a much longer time to reach it than we would like.

I am not there yet. Yes, I said yet. Even in my distress, I know the abuse and assaults ended one day, and so my recovery will end one day too, and healing will come.

Tonight, however, you can join me if you need to.

I am crying out to God for His presence to fill me and hold me, love me, carry me, and heal me.

He can do it. He will do it, and He is already beginning to in my heart right now. Will you join me?

Father God,

I am broken in so many little pieces right now and I need your closeness. I need Your love and I need You to hold me. I have no other words right now so You will need to look in my heart, God. Help me through this dark time.

Amen

© 2018 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.