Caution, raw and honest post ahead.

I have been pondering grief a lot more lately.

It seems our society has forgotten there are different kinds of grief. Lately, and all my personal life, I have seen, and experienced people invalidating my grief.

It seems that if we can’t see the person’s grief, or relate, we give these platitudes.

Here are some examples I’ve seen lately.

“We have glorious news! ——— is now in the arms of Jesus.” Um, okay, but it’s still sad. It’s a loss to many here on earth, and while I’m all about going to heaven and the new body and AMAZING healing and joy there, let’s not invalidate the people who have experienced a loss that are left behind.

Another one….

“I’m so glad she’s now in heaven! Praise Jesus!” Okay, me too, but where is the empathy, the sorry for your loss, the acknowledgement of grief?

Here’s one I got when my dad died. “Why are you sad? Why are you grieving someone who wasn’t a good dad?” There is so much grief for those of us who experienced abuse in our family of origin, but just because there was abuse and trauma doesn’t mean there weren’t some good times we are allowed to remember too. All men are capable of good and evil.

Why was I sad?

Because I didn’t just lose one parent or family member. In 2009 I lost every single blood relative because I stood for truth. Those of you who have lost one person in your life know how hard that is, so multiply that by 1000% or more. On top of that I had lost the only job I ever wanted to do, friends….pretty much everything. That grief was so completely unbearable I didn’t want to be around. It was more than I could handle and I didn’t turn to Jesus like I should have, but I was entrenched still in the lies that had been drilled in me my whole life.

Why was I sad? Why did I grieve?

For what was, for what wasn’t, and what might’ve been.

Change.

Loss.

Loss of a parent. Loss of knowing there is no hope of getting the answers I wanted. Loss of what I wish I’d had instead of what I grew up with. There was, and still is, so much loss and to this day people invalidate it. Because they can’t and don’t want to relate or feel that emotional pain I feel. To this day, people don’t like it when I mention something from childhood because they only know the trauma I’ve shared, and so they think there can’t be good. They tell me not to relate that to them or compare to their situations and other people.

It hurts.

Thankfully, I know Jesus can hold me through it, but every single holiday is painful. Every family member’s birthday (including my nephew, who just turned 15, whom I was never allowed to meet because my abuser would not admit his wrong doing and shut me out.) Holidays where I have no one to be with and so much more.

I don’t say this for pity, but I do say it to open your eyes to what you may be missing in someone’s life. Just because they don’t post it each day on Facebook, or share about the loss, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Also, for some reason, as Christians, we feel like we need to be happy go lucky and smiling all the time or we aren’t glorifying God. But that’s not true. Jesus Himself, was a man of many sorrows. Take for example, the death of his good friend, Lazarus.

Lazarus’ sister, Mary, told Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:32 NKJV)

“Therefore, when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. And He said, “Where have you laid Him.” They said to Him, ‘Lord, come and see.’

Jesus Wept.

Then the Jews said, ‘See how He loved him!’” (John 11:33-35 NKJV)

Did you catch it?

Jesus wept.

Jesus, who already knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, wept. He wept for his friend, and He wept because He felt the loss of Mary and those with her. He felt their pain. He didn’t say, “Stop crying because I’m going to raise him from the dead.” He empathized. He comforted. He just was with them and wept with them.

That’s how you walk in grief with anyone. Grief of any kind. Not just the kind you understand, but the kind that most don’t talk about. The kind people experience from losses that aren’t just a human dying, but from so much more.

Whether it’s a new obvious loss, or something else….

Pray with them. Sit with them. Listen to them. Empathize. and here’s the kicker…..

Keep your mouth shut.

Yep. Stop trying to make it better. You can’t. Jesus can and He can use you to comfort, so be His vessel.

Stay tuned for more next week! Follow my blog to get it in an email each week!

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