I love sharing my story, but some parts are more difficult and have taken time to be okay with sharing. If you know me, you know I’m all about being real and honest so warning that this may be hard to read and understand, but here goes……

I feel led to share a bit more regarding holidays and why I felt shame for years and why holidays are not my favorite time of year.

Before I was unable to work, in 2009, while I was still teaching in the public schools, I had confronted one of my abusers and was met with denial. Later that year I was told I was no longer welcome at Thanksgiving and Christmas, or any family get together if this person was there because they were more important to the family than me. I felt so ashamed and didn’t tell anyone. I left the school for those holiday breaks and did not tell a soul (that I remember) that I would be alone. I spent that Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve alone and that was the first of many for quite a while. It’s hard to explain what the abandonment and abuse of family does to you, but it tears you down, rips you up, and spits you out.

Every year since then has been different. I spent some years volunteering with a Christmas day dinner and it was helpful to me to serve others for a time. I spent many of the holidays alone for quite some time too. I have spent them at various people’s houses who have been generous enough to invite me into their family for a day. Most people would assume that an invitation to their family gathering would solve the struggle I face, but yet it doesn’t. It does provide a place to go, but it doesn’t provide me with family, and sometimes can hurt even more being the outcast. Not their fault, and not mine…just is what it is. Since my birthday falls on November 28^th, there have been years I was alone and forgotten by many then as well. This year, my birthday falls right on Thanksgiving.

Through the years I have had to really come to God and ask He provide and be my joy, peace, strength and hope during the holidays. I have written a survival guide which one day I will publish, but will not be out for free this year as I have not had time to get it ready. I do however try more than usual to pray and thank God and list the many blessings I have been given…beginning with His gift of Jesus that provides me hope, and makes me a child of family that will never abandon me…the family of God.

I am more than grateful for this, but the grief, sadness, and hurt are still there. They lesson at times, but there’s not a lot that can fill the broken places and desire to have people who will be there no matter what at any time or in any emergency. So, I trust God to provide and guide and be my all. His plans are greater and wiser than my own, so I trust Him to provide even in this area.

I don’t have as much shame, but there is still some. I realize it seems illogical, but that’s what trauma does to you.

I want anyone who may feel abandoned, alone, and dreading the holidays to know I understand. You are not forgotten. You are not alone, and you are loved by God more than you can ever imagine! This is where my hope lies, and I am grateful even in the nightmare of my many years of my life that God redeems and never abandons. I could never have dreamed He’d do what He’s done in my life and business, and He’s not done yet! To Him be the glory forever!

Blessings to you all this holiday season. Stay tuned for posts about applying thankfulness, and if you need more grab my devotional.

Susan

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