Another session spent completely in tears. My anxiety was sky high and my worries beyond measure.
“I don’t have time to keep doing this! I need to be better now! By the time I get better I won’t have time to work and prepare for retirement. By then everyone my age will be retiring. How am I going to survive? I am going to end up well enough to be off disability in time to be old enough to retire and then what? I will be homeless! I need to be better now! We’re not moving fast enough!”
That is what I told my therapist through tears today at my session. I will be 43 in November. He understands my fears. He gets it. They are valid. He has no idea what God has in store or what the future holds. He is only helping me through each step as we take it.
So we spent the session working through my fears. Letting them out, my therapist reminding me only God knows the answers. After I finished letting it all out and several Kleenex’s later I said, “I feel like I’ve run a marathon.” Then he read to me Hebrews 12:1-3
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3
We are running a race in recovery. Not a short sprint, a marathon. We must run it with perseverance, fixing our eyes on Jesus, just as He did when He endured the cross. Because when we take our eyes off Jesus we start to lose hope and hopelessness leads to despair and breaks down our progress in recovery.
I know it is good to voice our fears sometimes. Like it was for me today. However, it is also good that after doing so I can now say, “Okay Jesus I’m fixing my eyes on You. I have no idea what the future holds. You ask me to take it moment by moment and trust Your plan. I am doing so today.”
Faith and trust are even harder for us than others because of enduring sexual assault. However, God can help us overcome our barriers. He wants us to be able to trust and have faith in Him. I find it helpful to keep a prayer journal and go back and write next to prayers God has answered. This helps greatly with increasing our faith and trust. We need a visual sometimes.
Everyone on earth has a race they are running. Ours comes with many obstacles. Sometimes we find we add our own along the way as I tried to today by adding the worry about my future. It could really stop my recovery if I focused on the future instead of this moment and what God is doing and what I need to heal.
We are running a marathon and we must fix our eyes on Jesus, throwing off sin and other things that can bog us down. Remember what Jesus did for us on the cross. Enduring torture and shame to overcome death for us. Let us not become weary and lose heart on this journey but have faith and trust in the One who will get us through.
Thank you God for all you have done for me. For never leaving me once in this life. Please continue to guide my recovery and each step. I trust you to provide for each day now and in the future. Take away my worries and help me focus on You and Your plan for my life. It’s in you I place my faith and trust.
Amen
© 2019 Susan M. Clabaugh. All Rights Reserved.
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